I love talking about dirty, sexy things. I love it. And it’s funny, because for the majority of my life, I never did. I went to a super religious school growing up, and any talk of sex led to hell, so it was generally something I avoided. It wasn’t until I was around 24 that I began having these…awesomely candidly dirty conversations with others–specifically my friend “Chocolate Baby,” who is also my former co-worker.
Now, as a lesbian, who has mostly straight people in my everyday life, whenever I talk about what I am attracted to, it’s like I’m teaching a foreign language. Thing is, I am very particular with who and what I am attracted to. In general, of course, I love women. But as a subset to that, I am very attracted to extremes–like butch women (butch as in gender, but for the sake of readers, I added “women” because the butches I find attractive are indeed female bodied persons). I love female masculinity. I also like feminine women (not to be confused with femme which is another queer gender). A woman in sexy high heels? Melt me already. As a subset to that, I am very attracted to larger women, with large…ahem…everything. And although I do identify as a lesbian, I find myself, every so often, attracted to transguys (pre, post, or non-op). So from time to time, I ask myself about the term lesbian and what it may mean in my life specifically. I like to say that I am a queer lesbian, because it pretty much encompasses everything for me, but it’s difficult to explain to people.
Now, on that token, I am, surprisingly, like many other lesbians (not all but many), a girl who finds gay male sex a turn on (yes, it’s a legit thing!). I am not, nor have I ever been a person who watches porn. I have a pretty wild imagination on my own so I really don’t need visuals to get off. But, for real, the thought of gay male sex can turn me on…fast. I don’t know why, either. I don’t make a habit of thinking too much about it, but there is something so queer…so…exciting…so…raw and…damn, I need more words…raunch about it that it almost doesn’t matter that there are no women in the fantasy. It’s like what Suze Orman said to HuffPo, “I love any expression of gayness” (Rudolph). And I do. Goodness, the amount of ellipses I used in the last few sentences should make them take back my useless English degree and shame me.
I’m more of a reader of porn. I tend to stick with butch/femme literature a’la Jesse MacGregor-Jones. I also find some awesome shit online. The only problem with finding stuff online is that I have this thing with bad writing and grammar. Ooo, I hate lack of punctuation (clearly, I prefer over punctuation. For example: this very post). And you know the most interesting thing of all? I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface of what I want to say. It’s weird.
OK, I do have something else to say. Back in the spring of 2011, during the beginning of my coming out process (more on that in another post), I began watching a chick on YouTube named BBB. She was, by far, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life. I was so attracted to her, and it scared the shit out of me. I had been pretty heavily involved in that whole “ex-gay” scene, so finding a woman attractive and admitting to it was a big deal for me. As time went on, my attraction for her grew, and it forced me to face myself and my belief system in a profoundly life changing way. So, one morning in April of that year, before going to work, I sat on the edge of my bed crying and said, “God, you know the desires of my heart, and you know more than anything, I want to get married to a woman, have some kids, and live a happy life. And I need to know that you won’t hate me and leave me if I do that.” And that was the beginning of my life–of me being fully human–accepting myself for who I am, especially in a sexual sense. So, seriously, talking about sex is so fundamentally human that I hope I never again find myself in a mindset that sees it as something shameful. Plus, how can I not talk about how sexy some people are? Especially Lea Delaria in “Orange is the New Black.” Goodness, all I can say is, episode four, “Imaginary Enemies.” You’re welcome.
Song of the Day: Turning Me On by Teena Marie
Stuff lesbians like 45: Gay porn. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://gracethespot.com/?p=336
Rudolph, Christopher. “Suze Orman Talks Gay Pride, Giving Advice to Gay Teens, and Her Love for Ellen.” Huffington Post 28 Jun 2013, n. pag. Print. <http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/28/suze-orman-gay-pride-interview_n_3479753.html>.