I look like shit. One side of my face is so swollen that I look like I did when I was a massively obese teenager. Yes, I was a fat kid growing up, and thankfully, I’m slowly but surely becoming a non-obese adult. My highest weight was about 300 pounds. Yeah, it’s one of those weights that’s etched into my memory. It’s funny because I weighed over 200 pounds when I was eleven years old. Of course, it makes me wonder what the fuck was going on in my life to have ever been so big at such a young age, but honestly, even talking about my weight brings up so much pain for me that I tend not to do it (not even when I had a private blog). I am, without a doubt, an old-school fatty–the ones that were harassed and bullied growing up–the kind that doesn’t see any beauty in their fatness. The kind that is constantly chasing the ideal of thinness–and not just any thin but THIN…like Zoe Saldana thin (who, as an aside, is my fucking idol. I would love to look exactly like her, and I really believe that if I ever end up weighing 100 pounds, I really would).
Oh, the horror stories I could tell. I’m actually surprised that I survived middle school to write this post today. Seventh and eighth grade were the worst. I was sooo bullied about my weight–and mostly by older, teenage boys. I mean, I have had people threaten to beat me up because of it. I’ve been called all kinds of names and treated like a worthless piece of shit all because of my size. In a fit of rage, my own father called me “nothing but a fat bitch” when I was sixteen. It’s been hell.
I have been, for over ten years, trying so hard to be OK with my body. I have read books like, Fat Like Us by Jean Renfro Anspaugh, and I almost considered joining NAAFA (seriously) just to boost my self-esteem. And I know society is changing and that America is just as fat as it’s ever been, but I can’t get past it. I can’t accept it for me. Now, for others, I’m more than cool with it. Fat chicks rock my world. But as for me, thinness is what I crave. I plan to go sky-diving as soon as I see the number one at the beginning of the scale. Hell, I would go sky-diving while holding on to live giraffe, I’d be so damn happy.
Which leads me to wonder even further about my love for large women. I guess some things just “are” and shouldn’t be over-thought or anything like that, but I do like women who are confident in their size. Someone who embraces their largeness. It’s a beautiful thing. Perhaps, maybe even a way for me to accept myself? Who the fuck knows? Enough of that, anyways.
I will say that, I have lost a significant amount of weight as an adult (over sixty pounds). I now only eat real foods–nothing processed. I juice fruits and vegetables, and feel odd when I don’t drink that juice daily. I do not eat any meat other than fish. I only eat whole grain carbohydrates. I have recently given up gluten because of an allergy I have, but for the most part, I eat tons of brown rice, fruits, vegetables, fish, and guacamole. Good Lord, guacamole! And nothing is better than Whole Foods guacamole. I will literally go in that store to spend $20.00 on guac alone. It’s sickening. But hey, I feel better physically, and I really see myself eating this way for the rest of my life. Maybe I will look like Zoeth in time? If so, I’d stop wearing clothing altogether. There would be no need. I would have an empty closet and simply walk the streets dripping in perfection. And I’d never need a job, because I have this vision of people just handing me money. Lots of money. And I’d never speak again. There would be no need. I’d just be…and I’d be as happy as…as…well, as a former fatty who finally became thin.
Anyways, in sexy news, I found out that Lea Delaria likes young girls. Swoon. I need to “run into” her in NYC just so I can see how true that rumor is, wink-wink.
Fat like us. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.amazon.com/Fat-Like-Jean-Renfro-Anspaugh/dp/0965449955
We come in all sizes. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.naafaonline.com/dev2/