Road Bumps to Venus
I found this today, and it hit me in the face with force:
What happens when a mother cannot experience joy from interactions with her child? She smiles at her less, sings to her less, talks to her less, plays with her less and shows less excitement at each milestone. She doesn’t ask much about her child’s day in school, is less involved in making social arrangements for her child and she can only stand to do the bare minimum to get through the day. Unlike what happens as par for course in other homes, the child is unable to learn that she is worthy of attention, that she matters, that she is special and loved. She may very well have less active of a social life and poor social skills as compared to her classmates.
As this child grows older, if nothing changes, the emotional bond simply does not grow. Realizing now that she has a different relationship with her mother than other children, she wonders, subconsciously, what she is doing wrong and tries to do better. She may not assert her own opinions or stuff down her feelings all in efforts to earn her mother’s approval. She may wonder what she can change in order to earn her mother’s love and try to be as perfect as possible, never rocking the boat. She may do whatever she thinks her mom would want her to do, get straight A’s, be quiet, not ask for anything, be skinny, etc.
When she realizes that she cannot succeed in earning her mother’s attention or love she begins to believe that she must be defective, unlovable and undesirable. She develops her own depression as she realizes that she is powerless to change what is and unable to get the love that she so desperately needs. As a child, she is unable to realize that she is not the cause and her mother’s depression is not about her. She may feel lethargic, lonely and chronically sad. She may have outbursts of anger, may rebel or may turn her depression inward, possibly even struggle with thoughts of suicide.
I grew up with a clinically depressed mother, and it was truly awful. It was like being raised by a dead person. Seriously, even now when I think of my childhood, I always say that my mother was dead–and she was, just not physically. And if you read my previous post, you will see that the above is a carbon copy of me. This road to Venus is taking me on all kinds of paths that I find extremely difficult to travel. I have been crying several times a day, just trying to deal with all of my issues so I can move forward and live the life that I dream of. I dream of meeting my soul mate, having a career that I thoroughly enjoy, and having a family that is close-knit and loving. There is no choice. This road must be traveled.
Song of the Day: Teena Marie – Count the Ways
Quoted portion above comes from http://fosterparentingadventures.blogspot.com/2011/09/it-can-suck-to-be-child-of-mom-with.html