Emerge Gently Lane
I woke up this morning, feeling as though I had fought a battle in my sleep. It was a weird feeling, with no apparent cause. My dad, “Nark” had come back home after spending a week away in Georgia. Perhaps it was Nark’s presence that was disturbing me. About an hour after I woke up, I heard Nark and “Cod,” my mother, arguing downstairs. As I mentioned in Pit Stops… I have always been very protective of my mother. So, hearing this, I began to make a lot of noise. As I listened, I heard them having the exact same argument that they’ve been having for the past twenty years. It was late in the morning, and I wanted to eat breakfast, so I headed downstairs, and Cod looked at me like I was interrupting them–as though I was a child who should stay away while they argued. I held my ground, and they both decided to finish their never-ending argument upstairs. About twenty minutes later, Nark left abruptly, and Cod decided to come downstairs, staring at me as though she wanted to tell me all the bits and pieces of their stupid never-fucking-ending argument. Now, before she had come downstairs, I had an enormous realization. No one has the same argument (or any argument) with someone unless they want to. She liked it. She’s always liked it. She liked arguing with him, because if she didn’t, she would make the decision not do it. Not only did I realize that she liked it, but it also hit me that she uses me. This is the part where things get hard. She loves to tell me all the stupid shit that they argue about. When I was growing up, she would tell me how Nark thinks I hate him and how I should be kinder to him, because I’m hurting his feelings. She loves this.
So, as she stood there, I told her exactly what I just wrote–that she likes arguing with him–that she gets a high off of it. A few minutes later, SuckaMC came downstairs and sat where Cod and I were as I kept saying my peace (and can you believe I kept going and going?!) I told her that their issues have affected us completely–where everyday I have to work through cleaning out the bullshit they drilled into my mind through words and actions. Sucka then said to Cod, “And you never protected us.” Cod said, “I didn’t know how!” Then SuckaMC said, “But you knew how to protect him,” to which I said, “MmmHmm….” And she did. Then Cod got up and walked away, and I immediately felt bad, like I had done something terribly wrong. I’ve never been one to say anything painful to Cod, because I always felt like her protector. But now, on this journey to Venus, I have become aware of not only how she failed to protect me, but also how she never really loved me. From making me hate how I look (see Road to Venus) to making me believe that her depression was directly caused by me (see Road Bumps to Venus), my eyes are now open to her. I see that I have forced myself to believe a web of lies just so I can continue to function. I have believed horrible things about myself, because I couldn’t face the fact that she really didn’t love me. I had to believe that I was the problem, just so I could, in my mind, have control over and be oblivious to the reality that she really…didn’t. love. me. But she loves Nark. Loves him. It’s disgusting.
So, in the midst of feeling horrible, SuckaMC decided to let me know that I did a good thing and that Cod needed to hear the truth. About a half hour later, I decided to go upstairs and let Cod know that I wasn’t trying to attack her. BUT, before I walked in, SuckaMC walked out, looking pissed. I later found out that before I’d gone in, Cod told Sucka that since neither of us had been in a “real relationship” that our opinions didn’t matter. Fucking bullshit. The fact that she can actually deceive herself into believing that she has a real relationship is almost laughable if it weren’t so fucking disgusting and tragic. If being in a real relationship means neglecting your children, doing unlawful things for your spouse, and being depressed for several years on end, then hell, she has to be in the most real relationship I’ve ever seen. She said that “real relationship” shit to degrade both SuckaMC and I. It was crazy hearing that Cod gets her self-worth out of being married to a child-abusing, satanesque narcissist. It’s sickening.
My day went on. When I’m upset, I exercise madly, so I decided to cut the backyard. I stayed away from everyone, and it was going pretty well until around three o’clock when Nark came back home. God, I hate him with indescribable depth. I was sitting on the couch, reading a book, when a few minutes later, I decided to go upstairs. I grabbed my keys off the table to put them in my purse when Nark said, “Can you wait just a minute? I want to tell you something.” I feel like I’m defecating on my blog by even quoting his ass. I stood there, and he actually said to me, “Whatever I’ve ever done to hurt you, because I don’t know what that could be, I apologize, in Jesus’ name.” I felt my blood pressure go up nearly 100 points. I found myself grinding my teeth and clinching my fists. I felt the exact way I did about a week ago when I saw PS at the stoplight on Palmer Street. It was as though someone was pouring the hottest of fires in me, and it flooded my entire body, beginning in the very core of me. You don’t remember? You don’t know anything? Not even a little bit, you piece of shit fucker?! NOTHING AT ALL, YOU DISGUSTING FUCKING PIG FROM HELL?! Well, I’ll be damned. Not a thing, huh? And I’m supposed to forgive you, in Jesus’ name? Why use His name as a stamp of approval to your insanity? Do you know the depths of my hatred towards you? Do you have a clue at all? Do you know that all I did this past week is pray that you’d die on your trip? Do you know that thinking of your death makes me smile?
And so, that is when I got dressed and left the house, planning to just go anywhere.
So I find that I must pull over, into the emergency lane, turning the ignition off, and sitting under the overpass, alone, breathing and seeing that I was real–that I am flesh. I am me, fully and completely me. There is a dim streetlight ahead, giving me vision as I look down to my hands and see how they gently collect the tears that are falling, like a soft rain, from my eyes. Objects in the rear view mirror were much larger than I ever allowed myself to see.