UNder the Hood

by rheeb

I’ve had this wart on the back of my head that I have been trying to get rid of for about four months.  Almost everyday, I’ve put Compound W on it, and it seemed like nothing was happening until the past week when I realized that it was almost gone.  Four months ago when I realized what it was, it had already began to spread tiny warts around the original.  I had to deal with all of them, and now, it’s almost completely gone.

I ran into Winny today while shopping at Target.  Actually, I saw Winny and her family while shopping at Target, and I tried my best to avoid them.  But then, as I found myself reading the back of an English Cracker box, Winny stood behind me, smiling.  She walked over to SuckaMC first and then came back to me.  We chatted for a while, but my arms were crossed the entire time.  I really don’t know why.  She told me that I looked like I was “casing the joint.”  We hugged.  And she updated me on why she was in town and how she was in the process of applying to residency programs (she’s currently in medical school).  She told me that she’d sent me a text, but then I told her that I changed my number (which is true).  Then Winny’s brother, “Jonah” came up and gave me a half hug.  As we stood there, I realized that another person was standing there who I assumed was Jonah’s girlfriend.  Winny then said, “Rheeb, this is Fran, my friend from church.”  I don’t know what happened in that moment, but some part of my heart went gray.  In one fateful moment, I saw Winny, my ex-best friend of fifteen years, taking Fran shopping with her and her family.  I felt ill.  And Fran is beautiful, too–nice and thin.  MY GOD, I WAS DYING!

Thing is, I have never ever been attracted to Winny in any way, but at some level, I saw our relationship as a martial thing–just without the sex and romantic love.  We have gone through a major divorce, which is why I have been trying my best to move on in my life.  And this isn’t to say that I don’t have an amazing friend myself.  Seriously, Chocolate Baby is like a sister to me.  Out of every friend I have ever had in my life, she is the one that I have been closest with in a very deep, intimate way.  I never had that depth with Winny, and even if we were to rekindle our friendship, we wouldn’t have it.  But I realized today that I do miss something about Winny very, very much.  And after much thought, what I miss is having someone to talk to who was there.  We grew up together, so our conversations were usually reflections on childhood memories.  But you know, even typing this out I realize that that was our end.  We really, seriously, couldn’t go any further in our lives together.  I don’t see me ever being in a chosen relationship with someone who thinks I’m going to hell because I’m a lesbian.  That is so far beyond me that I can’t possibly fathom it.  Now when it comes to her relationship with Fran, I realized, just as I did in my previous post, that I have not forgiven Winny for not accepting me.  I avoid her.  I have cut her off from my life, but I have not forgiven her.  So seeing her with Fran (and I know this is sickening, but I am making a clear decision to be absolutely honest) made me feel bad because I saw that she was happy.  And hell, it’s possible that I painted a mythological happy face on her, but to me, in my mind, her being with a new friend made her happy.  OK, so Winny introduces me to Fran, and then Fran says, “Winny, who is this–a friend from school?” THE FUCK?!  Whew… Winny says, “Oh, no, I’ve known Rheeb for years.”  Ugh.  How about, “No, this is Rheeb, my best childhood friend who no longer talks to me because I choose not to accept her unchosen gayness.”  Ugh.  So that’s where I am–in some weird state of mourning and grief while simultaneously resting uncomfortably in unforgiveness.  The work is not even close to being done.

So now, after treating the wart on the back of my head, I noticed that, for over thirteen years, I’ve had one on my scalp.  I never looked closely at it, but there it was, as I pulled my hair out of the way.  Thing is, the scalp wart is much larger than the other one.  To me, forgiving my parents was the wart on the back of my head.  It took a long time to heal and was visible to everyone who looked at me from that angle.  But the wart on my scalp, while much larger, has been hidden under a forest of hairs for years on end, growing without my knowledge.  I am a very high somatizer, and I know that my soul tells me its ill through different, unexplained ailments in my body.  I consider these warts to be manifestations of inner turmoil.  In addition to not having forgiven Winny and a host of others from PFCM, I haven’t really forgiven myself.  I do not allow myself to be happy just like I don’t “allow” (ha, as though I have any control over this) others who I have not forgiven to be happy.  Perhaps the second wart is larger and hidden on my scalp because, in my heart, I am gray towards me.  Oh yes, I truly believe that these are somatization warts.

The silver lining escape from all of this, thankfully, comes from my newly found obsession with Dawn French.  And I know she’s married and straight, but seriously, she’s so sexy.  It’s probably the fact that she’s a Libra and I’m a Gemini.  Technically, we’re made for each other!  I will say, though, that today, all I’ve wanted to do was lay in my bed, read her book Dear Fatty all while eating chocolate and letting time pass by without a care.  She makes me smile.  God, that woman.

Song of the Day: Cher – Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)