Fire Me!

by rheeb

For a lighter meal post…

When I was fired from PFCM Bible College (which you can read about here), Hopelessness told me that I was being terminated because I’d hung up on her, was disrespectful to faculty, and “abandoned my post” when I became ill at work and went home.  The sad thing about her reasons is that while none of those things happened, if asked, I could have given that psycho legitimate reasons to fire me.  After having a chuckle about this the other night, I have decided to write down every reason I can possibly remember as to why I should have been fired.  Read and enjoy.

  1. For taking excessively long lunch breaks at Chevy’s, local restaurants, and Moe’s.
  2. For rollerskating at work several times a week while on the clock.
  3. For cussing loudly in the offices.
  4. For being a big ol’ lezzz (they didn’t know).
  5. For accepting money from “Grover,” one of the professors who was from Africa.  He’d give Chocolate Baby and I cold hard cash everytime we’d see him.  And when I say cash, I mean cashhhhh.  Initially we resisted it and were appalled, but as time went on, we began to accept it willingly.
  6. For reading RightWingWatch and HuffPost all day at work.
  7. For inviting Winny and “Burgandy” to hang out with me during office hours.
  8. For wearing gray and red Nike’s everyday.
  9. Having religious debates with alumni when they’d visit.
  10. For playing The Sims 3 for several days in my office.
  11. For cataloging all of my CD’s (over 100) to my laptop during office hours for days on end.
  12. For ignoring phone calls.
  13. For doing my taxes at work.
  14. For using office mailers to ship my eBay items.
  15. For discouraging many inquiring students from coming to PFCM Bible College.
  16. For heavily marketing a rival college to those same inquiring students (and to a few students currently enrolled at PFCM).
  17. For leaving work, at random, without clocking out.
  18. For going to the mall with Chocolate Baby.
  19. For going to Toys R Us with Chocolate Baby.
  20. For going to sex shops during office hours.
  21. For blatantly wearing a rainbow bracelet to a Saturday faculty meeting that PS was hosting after firing Toots.
  22. For spending hours each day playing Temple Run 2 and Subway Surfers.
  23. For leaving work an hour early for 16 months straight.
  24. For bringing my GameCube to work and playing Crazy Taxi and Super Smash Bros in my office.
  25. For printing out an IRS Reporting form to report PFCM’s politicizing of the marriage equality ballot.
  26. For printing that form from their printers with their ink.
  27. For bringing an exercise mat to work and taking naps on it during the day.
  28. For hanging out in my car during work hours.
  29. For making thousands of personal calls on the work phone.
  30. For stealing a fork from the file room that is still at my house.
  31. For talking with Chocolate Baby for hours every morning when we could have been working.
  32. For handwriting long, curse-laden diatribes on my computer keyboard and chair (both were mine) about how horrible PFCM was.
  33. For having Chocolate Baby pluck my eyebrows at work.
  34. For getting my hair done during work hours.
  35. For helping Chocolate Baby when she was getting her hair done by calling Hopelessness on three-way and muting myself while they talked.
  36. For racing Chocolate Baby in the sanctuary every so often.
  37. For working out in the sanctuary all the time.
  38. For stealing candy from the print room when the manager wasn’t there.
  39. For talking big shit about PS with “Becky,” his secretary.
  40. And finally, for telling 418 that “I work at a funeral” after she asked me why I was dressed in all black one day.

So there you have it–a 100% no-holds-barred admittance of why I should have been fired from PFCM Bible College.  It’s nice realizing that I was being a bad ass in a staunchly anti-gay, anti-woman, fundamentalist, Republican, Tea-Party loving environment.