For a lighter meal post…
When I was fired from PFCM Bible College (which you can read about here), Hopelessness told me that I was being terminated because I’d hung up on her, was disrespectful to faculty, and “abandoned my post” when I became ill at work and went home. The sad thing about her reasons is that while none of those things happened, if asked, I could have given that psycho legitimate reasons to fire me. After having a chuckle about this the other night, I have decided to write down every reason I can possibly remember as to why I should have been fired. Read and enjoy.
- For taking excessively long lunch breaks at Chevy’s, local restaurants, and Moe’s.
- For rollerskating at work several times a week while on the clock.
- For cussing loudly in the offices.
- For being a big ol’ lezzz (they didn’t know).
- For accepting money from “Grover,” one of the professors who was from Africa. He’d give Chocolate Baby and I cold hard cash everytime we’d see him. And when I say cash, I mean cashhhhh. Initially we resisted it and were appalled, but as time went on, we began to accept it willingly.
- For reading RightWingWatch and HuffPost all day at work.
- For inviting Winny and “Burgandy” to hang out with me during office hours.
- For wearing gray and red Nike’s everyday.
- Having religious debates with alumni when they’d visit.
- For playing The Sims 3 for several days in my office.
- For cataloging all of my CD’s (over 100) to my laptop during office hours for days on end.
- For ignoring phone calls.
- For doing my taxes at work.
- For using office mailers to ship my eBay items.
- For discouraging many inquiring students from coming to PFCM Bible College.
- For heavily marketing a rival college to those same inquiring students (and to a few students currently enrolled at PFCM).
- For leaving work, at random, without clocking out.
- For going to the mall with Chocolate Baby.
- For going to Toys R Us with Chocolate Baby.
- For going to sex shops during office hours.
- For blatantly wearing a rainbow bracelet to a Saturday faculty meeting that PS was hosting after firing Toots.
- For spending hours each day playing Temple Run 2 and Subway Surfers.
- For leaving work an hour early for 16 months straight.
- For bringing my GameCube to work and playing Crazy Taxi and Super Smash Bros in my office.
- For printing out an IRS Reporting form to report PFCM’s politicizing of the marriage equality ballot.
- For printing that form from their printers with their ink.
- For bringing an exercise mat to work and taking naps on it during the day.
- For hanging out in my car during work hours.
- For making thousands of personal calls on the work phone.
- For stealing a fork from the file room that is still at my house.
- For talking with Chocolate Baby for hours every morning when we could have been working.
- For handwriting long, curse-laden diatribes on my computer keyboard and chair (both were mine) about how horrible PFCM was.
- For having Chocolate Baby pluck my eyebrows at work.
- For getting my hair done during work hours.
- For helping Chocolate Baby when she was getting her hair done by calling Hopelessness on three-way and muting myself while they talked.
- For racing Chocolate Baby in the sanctuary every so often.
- For working out in the sanctuary all the time.
- For stealing candy from the print room when the manager wasn’t there.
- For talking big shit about PS with “Becky,” his secretary.
- And finally, for telling 418 that “I work at a funeral” after she asked me why I was dressed in all black one day.
So there you have it–a 100% no-holds-barred admittance of why I should have been fired from PFCM Bible College. It’s nice realizing that I was being a bad ass in a staunchly anti-gay, anti-woman, fundamentalist, Republican, Tea-Party loving environment.