Brain on Butch VII: Sigh
I loved you the first time I saw you standing at the end of the line, talking to that guy, and looking so confident in all your butchness. I couldn’t stop staring at you, because I was seeing my dream in reality. I had to find a way to let you know I was gay, so I put a rainbow cord on my purse, just hoping that you’d possibly notice it one day.
I did that for you.
And as time went on, I couldn’t get you off my mind.
I’d find reasons to grocery shop when there wasn’t a need. “I need some Cheez-it’s,” I’d say. “Oh, no, we must get a pumpkin from Food Lion,” I’d protest. Each time I’d get out my car, I’d scan the store windows to see if you just happened to be on checkout. Sometimes, I’d walk around the store aimlessly, looking for you, leaving with nothing, hoping that the staff wouldn’t think I was crazy. But then I saw you as I entered the store crying, and there you were, at the water fountain, drinking right before I did. And I finally had the courage to speak to you later without sounding foolish. And that was the day you gave me the simple gift of your presence. It was perfect that day, seeing you as my heart beat faintly.
But now, as months have gone by, I haven’t seen you. A couple of times, I tried to find the courage needed to ask the Boy if you were in. He was rearranging the apples. But I was scared, so I didn’t. And then, again, I would walk around the store, hoping that I’d run into you like the last time, but you still weren’t there. And I’d think to myself, “Damn, maybe she began working in the back again?” But today, I saw the Boy again, checking out, and I asked, because my soul couldn’t take it anymore. “Does Pam still work here?,” I boldly said, to which he replied so nonchalantly, “No, she left a few months ago. Credit or debit?” “Credit. Do you know if she got transferred to another store?” “I don’t know, but I don’t think she moved. I think she still lives around here,” he said, along with a price that, shit, could have been for a billion dollars, because I found myself staring at the swipe screen, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do next since the world had suddenly turned gray.
So Butch Pam, my heart is broken. I’d imagine your strong, butch hands, holding me as we floated upon a local sea. I imagined cuddling with you as the blue light of a TV show would glare at us, vying for attention. I imagined you behind me at Pride, protecting me in the midst of it all like that butch did last year with her precious femme. Sigh…
Song of the Day: Sara Smile by Hall and Oates