I Am

by rheeb

I gotta say, I really, seriously, seriously, SERIOUSLY, actually, really think I’ve found it.

After so many years of just…shooting in the dark, I really believe that I know what I want to do, and I fucking love it.  I love to write.  There is nothing in this world I’d rather do in terms of a career.   And the thing is, I knew I loved this since I was a child, but I never let myself attend to it.  And it’s so fucking funny, because I would always write little scenes out in my notebooks and school books growing up.  And I felt, in my soul, that I would use them later.  What the hell, you know?  Why wasn’t I true to myself?  Why did it take so long?

Over the past five years, I have tried to become a librarian, a teacher, a government employee, an editor, an LGBT lobbyist, a clerk, an administrative assistant, a health care analyst, a Best Buy employee, a Blockbuster employee, a computer scientist, a chef, a mechanic, an electrician, a locksmith, a hotel janitor, a janitor for a Christian cleaning service (yes, they exist), and then, of course, a registrar at an anti-gay, unaccredited Bible college.  About four years ago, I emailed Sherry Suib Cohen after reading Paula Deen’s book to tell her how much I loved it.  I also mentioned that I always wanted to be a writer.  She told me to follow my dreams and to make the choice between being a writer or an editor.  Truth be told, I only said the editor thing because I was afraid of my own writing.  I almost felt like I wouldn’t have anything to say–that I would have to depend on other people’s words to have a steady income.

I look back at my life, and all I see is fear.  One time at the end of a Sunday church service, I remember crying out to God and telling Him that how much I’d love to write lesbian stories.  I finished that pleading with, “But I want to please you.  I want to give my gift to you.”  And here I am, probably about five years later, writing the most delicious lesbian-centered stories.  My life.  And I love it.  I really, seriously, genuinely love what I’m doing.  I can’t see me doing anything else because I love this so much.  I mean, honestly, it’s this or nothing.  Or nothing.  Even if I never make alot of money from doing this, I’d still love doing it.  No one can discourage me from continuing.  I don’t give two shits about anyone’s opinion.  I know I’m a great writer.  I would like to learn more techniques for screenwriting, but it doesn’t negate the fact that I am truly confident–not arrogantly like I’m the best in the world and have nothing to learn–not at all.  I know I have a lot to learn, but still, even in that, I am so ready to learn it.  I am so ready to keep writing.  I am so ready to put all those characters I’ve had in my head out into the world.  I want to be unique.  I want to be raceless, ageless, genderless and orientationless.  I want to write what I care about, and I’m doing it.  I’m fucking doing it, and I love it so much.

For the past few nights, I’ve had dreams about doing scripts.  Last night, I dreamed that I was at a theater in Australia (it was a film school theater with a movie playing), and then later, I ended up in Oprah’s office as she was telling me about a specific script she was selling for $379 dollars!

This is me.  Oh, thank God so much for just…guiding me along the way–through so many tears and hardships.  I am here.

Song of the Day – Saturday in the Park – Chicago

Thought of the Future: So this is what I see for the future.  I am married to a wonderful, caring, kind, and understanding woman.  We live in San Diego.  We also have a house in Virginia (I don’t know where that came from).  She is a truly talented artist (and I love that).  We are the same age.  And she accepts that I live in both worlds–this current one, and the spiritual one–the one where my characters talk to me.  Thinking back over this–she probably accepts me because she lives in two places as well.)