Light, Deep Breaths

by rheeb

I have this deep longing.  Let me explain.  (I feel kinda sick).

I am about to turn 27.  It seems like, every year around my birthday, I go through some deep, sickening depression that just…

I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything worthwhile.  And not many things are worthwhile to me.  Actually, let me make a list of the things I would consider worthwhile:

  1. Getting to meet Zoe Saldana (and becoming great friends…and having her star in one of my movies)
  2. Going to California
  3. Being with someone special

So there it is–being with someone special–that has me in this place of deep longing almost bordering on physical pain.

I have never been with anyone in my entire life.  I mean, I haven’t even been kissed.  This isn’t to say that I haven’t had the opportunity, but it is to say that I have never experienced being with anyone.  I can attribute a lot of that to being in the closet for so long (until 24) and also to being in a religious, anti-gay environment for so long (up to 25).  Each and every day, I hope.  I hope to meet my soul mate.  And I may sound naive to you guys, because I know that so many people don’t believe in soul mates, but I do.  But as each day goes by, I have yet to meet her.  I have yet to be held…to be known by another person.  It hurts so bad.  And it’s hard to explain…and of course, difficult to explain, because it’s so odd for someone my age to be in this position.

I don’t know what to do.  I yearn to be with another–to be held–to hold–to touch–to kiss.  Just imagine what it’s like to have never kissed anyone.  It’s insane.  I have practiced on my hand for fifteen years, but I have never done it.  It’s really hard–seriously hard–not to be ashamed or insecure about this.  It’s hard not to think that there’s something wrong with me (especially mentally).  I know that I don’t want to be with just anyone.  It’s like not eating for twenty years and then suddenly choosing to devour a Pop Tart.  I don’t want any Pop Tarts, you know?

My heart just…aches.  It’s that time, you know, where I need to be with someone.  It’s a need now.  I am an adult.  I have needs.  Thing is, it’s like, how do I not wonder if something’s wrong with me?  How do I keep hope alive, holding onto the belief that I can meet someone amazing?  I hope God hears and answers my prayers.  I have tried to be a good person.  I’m honest, smart, funny, and caring.  I am debt free and have dreams that I am trying to fulfill.  I would never intentionally hurt anyone or anything.  I have a lot to offer to someone, but it’s just…hard to keep hope alive.

Yesterday, I laid in bed crying, and I said to myself, “I think…I want to commit suicide.”  And I asked myself a bunch of questions, trying to figure out my reasoning, and I deduced that, no, I don’t hate myself.  It’s just that, I don’t see a reason to keep going.  Then, of course, I thought of my stories and my characters and how if I were to die, so would they.  But on a personal level, there is nothing here.  Even now as I type this, I just want to walk down a dark street, aimlessly, and find myself walking right into the sea.  Gone.

I don’t like this time of year too much.  I guess I need to change my outlook, because I always feel like I am more of a loser than I was the previous year.  Not being loved is hard.  Not being able to love is also hard.  Twenty-seven.  Wow.  I know I just typed it out, but to me, all I read is pain.  I feel like I’m physically holding my breath.  Like…I’m gasping for air–for life–for something.  Just something.  And if it’s not meant to be, I’d hope God would be compassionate and empathetic enough to take the desire away from me.  Why be tortured for a lifetime, if what I long for will never happen?  I hope it does, though.  I really do.

Song of the Day: All I Want for Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey (this song brings me to tears every time I hear it.)